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An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I wont be able to plant my tomato garden this year. Im just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Dont dig up that garden. That s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a. m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. Thats the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: &#39;Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. &#39;
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: &#39;He lives in a home with four children he&#39;s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow? &#39;
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you? " The old man replies,"The Lord&#39;s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I&#39;m finished, He turns the light off. " While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart&#39;s been pissing in the ice box again! "
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed! " As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, e says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn&#39;t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars? " The man says, "Listen, I don&#39;t want your money. I don&#39;t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water! "
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I&#39;ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? "
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere. "
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his school work, the father said,
"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace. "
The son replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States. "
A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game? " he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap. " "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don&#39;t know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don&#39;t know the answer to your question, then I`ll give you five dollars. "
"I really don&#39;t want to do this. I just want to take a nap. "
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don&#39;t know the answer to your question, I&#39;ll give you five hundred dollars. " The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have? " the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four? ".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man handed the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question. "What was the answer to the riddle? " the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.
A young boy was playing with a ball in the street. He kicked it too hard, and it broke the window of a house and fell inside. A lady came to the window with the ball and shouted at the young boy, so he ran away, but he still wanted his ball back. A few minutes later he returned and knocked at the door of the house, and when the lady answered it, he said,"My father&#39;s going to come and fix your window very soon. "
After a few more minutes a man came to the door with tools in his hand, so the lady let the boy take his ball away.
When the man finished fixing the window, he said to the lady, "That will cost you exactly ten dollars. "
"But aren&#39;t you the father of that young boy? " the woman asked, looking surprised. "No," he answered,equally surprised.
"Aren&#39;t you his mother? "
много раз видел в русской вариации про зека и бабку которой огород не вскопать, там были стволы закопаны. Вообще было ощущение что анекдот был придуман в рашке.
>>46227045>That will cost you exactly ten dollars.
Это у них в пендостане окна такие дешёвые или это анекдот времён великой депрессии?
Ага го в прайд, лол
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let&#39;s go! &#39;&#39; The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures. "
"Why? " asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs. "
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you&#39;re not the flight instructor? "
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says "I&#39;m Shaquille O&#39;Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if Idied". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America&#39;s potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the
United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So, he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America&#39;s most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag... "
Продолжай, забавные вещи постишь.
Я уже думал, бордой ошибся, попал на Форчонг
Calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, Lord have mercy! I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband! Thats against the law! Ill lose my license! Theyll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now, thats different. You didnt tell me you had a prescription.
Nope. It&#39;s a russian board harkach.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Тоже сижу на том сайте с которого ты пасты эти берёшь. Я там фрикадельки накручиваю лол
Как накручиваешь? Знаю только, что за друга по реф ссылке, когда он достигает 5 уровня дают 200 фрикаделек а это 200 новых слов :3
A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly , her husband burst into the kitchen.
Careful, he said, CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You&#39;re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They&#39;re going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you&#39;re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don&#39;t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don&#39;t know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I&#39;m driving.
Этому баяну больше лет, чем интернету.
A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. "I&#39;m in love with my horse," he said. "But that&#39;s nothing," replied the doctor. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much. " "Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It&#39;s a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse. " "Ahhh! " exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female? " "Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot! "
И сразу же проигрыш.
Quit being a faggot and suck that dick. Y Louis CK
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee.
sosi huy understand manya?
A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper. " She says, "What color? " He says, "Just give me white. I&#39;ll color it myself. "
Был такой же анектод в ссср, про батю и сына-зэка.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I&#39;m sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can&#39;t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man&#39;s schlong. He stuffed it into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won&#39;t believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God! " she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead! "
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn&#39;t use any more? "
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn&#39;t find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing? " the officer asked.
"I&#39;m sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak. "
"You can&#39;t do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me. "
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away. "
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy? " "No," retorted the policeman. "It&#39;s the French Embassy.
Посоны, паста с форчана, вот оригинал:>Old Italian gentleman lived alone in Jersey New. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his situation: Dear Vincent,I feel very sad, because it looks like I will not be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I&#39;m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love,PapaA few days later he received a letter from his dad syna.Dorogoy not dig up that garden. That&#39;s where the bodies are buried. Love, VinnieAt 4. am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding the bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. On the same day the old man received another letter from his son.Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That&#39;s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor&#39;s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor&#39;s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died? "
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened? "
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
I am working a morning shift at a cafe. We are serving breakfast. A little boy and his mother enter the cafe.
ME: "So, What will it be ? "
Child: "I wish to devour the unborn. "
( There is a sudden silence and everyone turns to look. The mother looks very embarrassed. )
Mother: "Eggs.... He would like some eggs... "
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse&#39;s trainer meets him before the race and says, &#39;&#39;All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, &#39;ALLLLEEE OOOP! &#39; really loudly in the horse&#39;s ear. Providing you do that, you&#39;ll be fine. &#39;&#39;
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer&#39;s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers &#39;Aleeee ooop&#39; in the horse&#39;s ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, &#39;&#39;It&#39;s no good, I&#39;ll have to do it,&#39;&#39; and yells, &#39;&#39;ALLLEEE OOOP! &#39;&#39; really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, &#39;&#39;Nothing is wrong with me, it&#39;s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something? &#39;&#39;
The trainer replies, &#39;&#39;Deaf?? DEAF?? He&#39;s not deaf, he&#39;s BLIND! &#39;&#39;
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